One of the most common issues I hear from fellow
Moms has to do with guilt: “I went out for a
little ‘me’ time and felt guilty the whole time I
was out;” “I lost it on my kids and felt guilty
for days;” “I just don’t know how to not
feel guilty.” Sound familiar?! We’ve all “been
there, done that” and many of us still “go there,
do that” … until today. You’re about to discover
why guilt is the greatest waste of emotional
energy and how you can turn those nagging
feelings into something much more productive—for
both you and your family.
What is this guilt thing anyway?
In its simplest form, guilt is an inner signal
telling us we've done something wrong—either
we've done something that goes against our values
or against our idea of how things "should" be. As
an inner signal, guilty feelings simply mean “pay
attention to what’s happened here—there's
something for you to learn.” In this way, guilt
is actually an important opportunity for us to
identify what's gone wrong and either change our
actions or our thinking. Once we’ve addressed
guilt in this way, we can let go and move on.
Unfortunately, most of us rarely deal with our
feelings this simply.
Rather than resolve guilt in this “learn and let
go” kind of way, many of us allow the guilty
feelings to stick around. We ruminate over how
horrible we feel for whatever we think we
shouldn’t have done. We think “How could I
Iet this happen?” and “What kind of mother am I?”
We use up all of our present moments blaming and
judging ourselves for something that is over and
done with—something we can never change.
This is guilt gone awry and “a sure sign our
thinking is unnatural.”
Staying stuck in blame and guilt is not only a
very unloving thing to do to ourselves, but it
also immobilizes us and wastes a lot of energy
that could be much better spent with our family.
In this way, guilt is the greatest waste of
emotional energy.
So how can we use guilty feelings in a
constructive way and prevent them from
contaminating our thinking and immobilizing us
from being the kind of Moms we want to be? Here
are some strategies to try…
Strategies for taming guilt...
Take a closer look at your
expectations.
Moms are notorious for setting unrealistic
expectations for themselves and focusing on
doing what's "best" or what they think they
"should" be doing:
Moms are not supposed to
lose their temper; Good mothers always know
what’s going on with their kids; Moms should
take the time to volunteer at their child’s
school; Moms are supposed to keep a tidy home;
Good mothers raise well-rounded, good-mannered
children.
This kind of thinking is a perfectionist
approach to parenting that puts a lot of stress
on both you and your family. Since it's
impossible to live up to these kinds of
expectations, you'll only be setting yourself
up for failure, mistakes and more guilt by
hanging on to them. If this kind of thinking
sounds true for you, consider ways you can
shift your expectations to more realistic ones.
Be your own personal
coach.
Imagine that a close friend of yours came to
you with the same issues of guilt you’re
feeling ... what would you say to her? Try
speaking to yourself in the same way you would
your best friend. You'll be surprised at how
your inner dialogue changes!
Catch guilty feelings
when they come up.
Become more aware of guilty feelings as they
come up and ask yourself: “Did I make a mistake
I can learn from here or am I being too hard on
myself?” Once you identify where the guilt is
coming from, you can either change your future
behavior or change how you're thinking about
the situation. For example, feeling guilty upon
discovering you made a sandwich with moldy
bread for your child’s lunch is a valid cue to
change your sandwich-making behavior in the
future—pay attention, Mom! Feeling guilty about
not ironing the bed sheets is a sure sign to
change your thinking—lighten up, Mom!
If you have trouble sorting out guilty
feelings, try using a notebook or journal to
write down your thoughts about what you think
you’ve done wrong. Talking to a close friend
can also be helpful.
Practice forgiveness.
Making mistakes is part and parcel of being a
parent—it’s part and parcel of being human for
that matter! We all make mistakes as Moms, and
we will continue to make mistakes—some big and
some insignificant. Being able to let go of
blame, anger and judgment for things that
happened in the past is key to learning and
growing and, more importantly, to becoming a
more loving person. Let go of the past. Focus
on what’s real and important to you now, in the
present moment, and you can never go wrong.
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